18, My MGB
and Money, Honey
I was thin, eighteen and drove a burnt orange MGB. It was euphoric! Then out of nowhere, reality suddenly hit. I had to fulfill my promise of working to make money so I could pay for my dream car. This would be my first "big girl" nine to five, Monday through Friday everyday job. Yuck! The ache resurfaced. I stopped and looked at what I was facing. I had a grownup job I really didn't want that had been planned in an instant to fulfill a promise I had made. I had been thrust into something just to make money. Emotionally, I was not ready for any of this, but I was going to have to pretend it ws all right. Gimme' a mask! The art of "bucking up" and faking everything was becoming easier for me.
I was now a drive-in teller. I worked along side a guy who had just graduated from the University of Richmond. He was the bank president’s nephew, so everyone thought highly of him. I discovered he had a girlfriend and was making a career of the financial business. I sat beside him for eight hours a day so he, in turn, discovered that I was new in town and didn’t know many people. We became buddies in a sense, would make light conversation and he asked me one day if I would be interested in having a blind date for the upcoming homecoming game, dance and festivities that would take place over the course of a weekend. I had never had a blind date but had heard many people had, so thinking it might be a good way to meet some other people, I said yes.
The Friday night affair was at his frat house. My blind date came to pick me up, met my mother (not my dad) and we headed for the University of Richmond fraternity row. He seemed nice and I thought, well, maybe I will meet the love of my life through him. Who knows? We arrived at the frat house and you could hear the live band as we got out of his car. As soon as my foot stepped across the doorframe, I noticed a girl sitting on a guy’s lap. She yelled, “Molly Painter, from St. Albans, West Virginia! How are you?” Was I that renown? When I looked at her, all that flooded over me was, “I miss my home and David.” He went to get me a drink and I didn’t stop until I couldn’t swallow any more. I professed undying love to my date as he nursed me through the evening listening to me ramble on about my life. The more he said, Molly, there is no way you could love me, the more I tried to convince him that there was such a thing as “love at first sight.” He took me home that night (we didn’t have sex) and I stumbled up the steps to bed and crashed. I managed to get it together the next day, hangover and all, for the game and the dinner afterward. I was very quiet that day but kept noticing another guy stare at me all day and evening. My date was a gentleman, being very attentive. I walked into work the following Monday and my co-worker just started laughing. He said, “I heard you had a very interesting weekend!” I said, “Ha-ha, I don’t want to talk about it.” Then he said, ”If you are not too in love with your blind date, there is another guy who would like to date you.” So, as quick as I had conned my date into dating me, I broke it off so I could see this other fellow. We dated several times but nothing much ever happened to speak of, which probably was a good thing. But, I was back in the saddle again. It hadn’t been long since my abortion but here I was “hot on the trail.” I was always looking for someone. I couldn’t bear to be without a man.
There was a pretty cute construction guy who was refurbishing the building I worked in and he was right under my nose. I didn’t have to make any effort at all to play up to him. He got up the nerve and asked me out. I accepted, of course. We went out on a couple of dates and it wasn’t long before we were in bed. Once wouldn’t hurt, would it? Then I bought up the subject of marriage. We didn’t have anything in common but it did not matter. I would just mold myself into what he wanted, he would love me and it would just work out. Isn’t that what people do? My mother was reluctant about the whole idea of my marrying him. My dad had grilled me on the phone about our combined income and then stated it wasn’t even enough to live on. I resented him for laughing about it. We set a date and the wedding was on.
Guess who came to dinner one night? I heard a knock and answered the door and there my fiancée’ stood with his mother. It had been a workday and I hadn’t time to redo my hair or make-up. I had changed into a warm up suit for comfort. But, what did it matter? I had to dress up every day and quite frankly, it felt good at the end of the day to dress down. It was not like I was getting ready to be in a movie or anything. She came in and noticed a picture of me hanging on the wall. She turned to me and asked, ”Where is the pretty girl I see in this picture?” What kind of remark was that?! I was tired and besides, I’ll do that later on when we are married, I thought.
We went parking later several nights later to talk and he started to cry. He said he just didn’t love me. He went on to tell me that he really loved the girl he had broken up with. So, I had no choice but to break up with him. Secretly, I was relieved. Easy come…..easy go.
A few weeks later, I got up to go to work. I went into the bathroom and all of a sudden, a wave of nausea hit. I went to the doctor and took a pregnancy test. Not again! I had vowed to myself I wouldn’t become pregnant again until I was married. I always made promises to myself when I did something bad, that I would do better. I felt I had no choice but to have another abortion. I had to take time off from the bank and I ended up telling the secretary the truth about why I had to take a few days off. She sat at her desk and cried. I went down in town, this time by myself, and had abortion number two.
My mother was put out with me and I knew it. My dad didn’t know. I don’t know what he would have said or done to me. I was slightly chastised by the workers in the abortion clinic. They didn’t have to scold me; I already felt bad enough. At least it wasn’t a real, living child. As I sat there waiting to go into the procedure room, I thought to myself, after this abortion, I am going to turn over a new leaf and promised myself that there would be no more sex outside of marriage. I will stay on birth control, being prepared for the heated moments if and when they arise. But, they won’t because I won’t let them, so I really don’t even need birth control. But, I will use it anyway… maybe. I won’t even date again. I sat there thinking, “I am just through with men.” Thoughts of becoming a nun crossed my mind. That’s what I needed, a nunnery. Wouldn’t need birth control for that!
When I went back to work, I was determined to buckle down, focus on work, and behave myself. A woman I worked with at the bank came up to me one day and told me she had a dream. In her dream, her son was going to marry a girl with green eyes and blonde hair. Well, that did describe me somewhat. But, was I the only girl on the planet who fit that description I wondered? Taking what she told me to heart, I thought, well, maybe this is the one. It wasn’t as if she had a crystal ball or anything but a dream, well, I could buy into that. Since I was a drive-in teller, her son started coming to the drive through quite a lot to make his deposits. Little by little, we started carrying on light conversation. Then one day, he drove up with a red rose included in his deposit and asked me if I would like to go out and have a pizza. He was really cute and had what I call “a life.” He had aspirations. He was going to make something out of his life. He was interesting and it was refreshing to be around someone who had a clear direction to follow. I really liked that because I was such a drifter and the image he projected attracted me. I wanted a clear path but I didn’t know how to get one. I was definitely attracted to him, but I had an ache in my stomach that I couldn’t describe or ignore and I had started to long for David again.
We dated for a month or so and he wanted to marry me. Of course, I ended up breaking the promise I made to myself in regard to having sex. My intention was to be abstinent but they all wanted sex. His mother had been drilling me at work about us and quite frankly, that helped sour the relationship for me. The more I got to know her, the more something about her scared me. The way she looked at me with those eyes of hers was unnerving. The expression on her face was very odd. Everyone at the bank made fun of her. I just couldn’t imagine my life with her in it. The ache was becoming stronger and I just couldn’t commit to him forever, so it was adieu.
2008, Molly Painter Ministries, Inc.