How about an emergency room director’s position? Now, that would lift me up out of my state of depression! I had no idea what particular skills or resources a person needed to have to qualify for this position, but I figured if I could run a branch office of a bank, that I could do this job. Think about all the doctors I would encounter! I was hungry again for something better and for something that would give me a renewed sense of self-worth. I called about the ad in the paper and went late one Friday afternoon for the interview.

I hit it off immediately with the woman who was in charge of hiring. She was excited about my professionalism and my working knowledge, and she hired me on the spot. The salary was excellent, and the job came with good benefits. I had lost weight, “black cloud” was gone, and it appeared that once again my life would turn around.

Monday came and I went for my employment physical. I gave my name to the receptionist, and she ushered me to the general manager’s office. I wondered about this but thought that perhaps this was routine procedure after a new director had been hired. I walked in, sat down, and the woman who hired me appeared. The general manager proceeded to tell me that I had lied on my résumé; therefore, they were terminating my employment with them.

I replied, “I didn’t lie.” They looked at one another and then at me quizzically, as if in disbelief.

The woman who hired me the previous Friday had been to a party over the weekend. My old boss from the health care agency who had just fired me was in attendance. They started discussing the new emergency room director’s position, and guess whose name came up in conversation? The prospective employer said that I had not even mentioned this previous job on my résumé.

I proceeded to explain to them why I hadn’t listed the job. I had been advised by the unemployment office to leave the health care agency job off of my résumé since I had only worked there for sixty days. They said, “Everyone usually gives a ninety-day trial period, and since you only worked there for sixty days, it will make you appear as though you have been job-hopping.

I continued, “That is the only reason I left the job off the résumé.” However, in my new employer’s eyes, I had lied. I told them I felt uneasy when the agency advised me to do this, but what did I know? I had never been in a predicament like this, and they were supposed to be the employment professionals. I started to cry and couldn’t seem to stop, and they got very quiet. I was not a liar and would never have done that unless advised to do so. I got up to leave; I was in a state of shock.

XXXXX

Dara was with her dad the following weekend. I purposefully bought a bottle of Jack Daniels Black——and I sat in the middle of my living room. I had a death wish. I tipped the bottle up to my lips and I drank until I couldn’t drink anymore. Yes, I knew I was mixing liquor with my depression medication, but I didn’t care. I drank in the past while taking them, but this time I was going to drink until my heart stopped and I died.

Speaking out loud into the atmosphere I cursed the day I was born. I cursed my very existence. I started to sob, and I drank and drank and drank until my lips and throat were so numb I couldn’t feel them. Maybe my heart wouldn’t stop. Maybe I would just choke to death instead. I didn’t really care how it happened. David was dead. I was on my second divorce after having married the devil himself; he had taken me for everything I had. I already had five abortions, and I was hardly able to provide a good home for my only daughter. I wasn’t a good mother and I was a whore on top of it all. I knew I was flawed but I couldn’t seem to stop my behavior. I was going to have to file bankruptcy, lose my townhouse, and turn in my car. I couldn’t get a decent job. I hated myself. Dara would be better off if I weren’t alive. She would be better off without me in her life and her dad would support her beautifully. I drank until I passed out and woke up two hours later. I looked up to heaven and screamed where I thought God might be. I said, “Why do you keep letting me wake up?”