I want to talk to you about something I suffered with for years---anger and rage.  I tried to hide it the best I knew how.  I would push it deep down inside of me, but eventually I would blow up.  Those I loved the most, who happened to be in my path when these explosions happened, incurred the brunt of my ensuing wrath.  I was always blaming and pointing the finger at someone else.  The sources of my anger were demonic and genetic to be sure, but some of it came up and out of me as a reaction to not being able to get my way when I wanted it. 

During the years of my episodic anger and rage, no one could get through to me and I wasn’t around anyone who could explain to me why I had such volatility inside of me.  I truly believed others (anyone but me) caused me to behave the way I did.  I thought, “If they will just do what I want them to do,” then I will be happy and won’t have to yell and fuss so much.  But, the problem was that even when others would do what I wanted them to do, I still would find myself unhappy and then get very angry about it.

It did not matter how big the home was I lived in, how many pairs of shoes I bought, or how many pieces of nice jewelry I obtained, I still wasn’t happy.  The fury I felt would build up within me and eventually would reach such a boiling point that I would lash out at anyone in my path (even my daughter).  I was not “satisfied” until I had upset everyone around me and then afterward, great remorse would flow over me and I would hate myself for upsetting everyone else.  It was as if two different people lived inside of me…. 

I made a decision to check myself into the hospital for shock treatments.  The Psychiatrist I had been seeing for years had suggested this, I fought it as long as I could, but I was eventually able to see the writing on the wall and consented.  My feelings of caring what others might think and say were no longer a concern.  No matter how appealing the circumstances looked around me or how nice others were to me, I was a miserable individual who was unhappy and angry at life.  I couldn’t pretend any longer and I needed drastic help. 

I called on the person who had gotten me through one of the toughest times in my life.  He had assured me when I first had gone to him that I wasn’t going crazy, even though I thought I was losing my mind.  I had endured years of hell, taking medications in an attempt to find a cure for my anger filled life.  I was trying to find happiness.  I knew it was something attainable because I was around others in my life who were happy (my ex-husband for example), but I was losing the battle and I needed something more.  I had hit rock bottom or so I thought at the time.  

The last resort I felt I had in order to cure me of my miserable life was shock treatments.  It was during my stay in the hospital that I began my walk with the Lord.  Something changed with me after having treatments, making me want to help myself and I stopped blaming everyone else for my anger and unhappiness.  I started to look to God and myself for the answers, which was a new concept for me.  The anger in my life subsided greatly. 

When I went into the hospital, I thought I would have the treatments, the hell would be shocked out of me, and my life would finally match emotionally the life I had around me.  That is not what came to pass.  There is an old saying, “ don’t count your chickens before they hatch.”  I had always dreamed of the way I wanted my life to be and when it didn’t match up with what I wanted, I would get angry.  What shock treatments did for me was help me look at myself and I was able to lay hold of the truth of life.  Twenty years later my life still isn’t what I thought it was going to be but it is happy and I am not filled with anger, thanks to the Holy Spirit and the ways of God.  I had to learn another way of life and some of it was simple, some of it wasn’t. 

Emotionally, I am happy now inside and have true joy but it only came with great perseverance in searching and seeking after the one and true God.  I made sacrifices to have what I like to call “the more” of God.  I have no regrets with what it took to obtain “the more” and I am glad I never quit my pursuit of God.  He helped teach me His ways and I learned about the “me” I was created to be.  I learned not to buckle under the peer pressure of trying to be someone others thought I should be.  I had to learn to love myself and that has been a full time job. 

Hindsight is 20/20.  Looking back, I see that if I had not had those shock treatments, I would never have turned to God.  The greatest cumulative effect of my decision of seeking God was being taught by Christ how to love-not only myself, but others.  He literally delivered me from anger by emptying me and then filling me with great love, which removed all the anger and rage that use to fill me. It is truly a miracle. There are times when I really don't like things around me or the way others behave but I don't lash out anymore.  I just go to the only ONE who can give me divine guidance into why I am feeling the way I do.  I don't fuss at others or get mad.  Every once in a great while I will show my disappointment in regard to something but for the most part,(95%), I don't even feel that emotion any more and that is a very big deal for me. 

Anger and rage come from within….period.  When you point your finger at someone else, grab hold of it and point the finger at yourself.  Whether you like it or not, the reason for the situation you have found yourself in is not “their” fault, it is yours.  To be certain, you have an adversary, so be wise.  Sometimes Satan will orchestrate circumstances, getting you to lash out about things just to make you look like a fool.  Do not think you are above being used by him.   

If you don’t like the way your life circumstances are going, do not grumble about not being able to find help in these things.  You are just the one the Holy Spirit can help but you have to ask Him for help.  Don’t “poo poo” and brush off what I am saying to you.  If change is what you are looking for, do something about it.  YOU are the problem and others are not going to change to suit you.  You are the only one responsible for turning your life around so get up off it.

Molly

Bigotry is a sore subject with me.  I hate it.  I hate people who call others names.  I hate others who say they walk with Christ and think they are better than the next person.  We are all familiar with the saying, “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can never harm me.”  Words are like bullets when hurled at an individual and can actually end up doing more harm than if they were really being hit with a bullet.  At least the bullet has a beginning and an end, but words can hang in the air, in a heart, in a nation forever, for good or for bad.

Bigotry, I have come to learn over time, is not just a matter of hating one another because of the color of someone’s skin.  Bigotry is more than a black or white issue.  Bigotry is so much more than the color of the face of a man or a woman; it lies deep within the spirit.  Whether you know it or not, it comes from hell and Satan.

The Lord has allowed me to hear (among many other things) bigotry spill forth from a human’s heart.  At first glance, it can be hidden pretty well but upon a closer look, it will always come out because it is evil and doesn’t know when to be quiet.  Now, to be certain, some just come right on out and tell you how they feel regarding bigotry.  They will say, “It’s a free country and you can’t stop me from stating my point of view on any matter.”  To be sure, we do live in a free nation (so far) and are able to express ourselves.  However, our freedom of expression, while certainly a privilege, is abused by many to carry out prejudices against others.  This abuse demonstrates lack of tolerance that stems from feelings that are hidden deep within.  The lack of tolerance and hatred some have toward others is “inherited.”  We learn much of our behavior from those we are around and from things we have grown up with as well.  We learn by example, sometimes not understanding the root basis of why we feel the way we do.  Many times people act out of pure ignorance, not out of personal knowledge about something or someone.

I have been around some “Christians” who allow their true colors to show and I am able to see what exactly is in their hearts.  They have made statements about the black and white issue by saying they would not live beside someone who was not of their own race.  And, “as long as they keep to themselves”…that’s a favorite of mine and it makes my blood boil.  There have been times that if the Holy Spirit hadn’t restrained me, I would have probably strangled an individual for some of the comments they have made.

Understand this:  WE ALL are made in the image of God but Satan is here and is gaining strength to make certain that his time is thoroughly used to full advantage by separating us from one another.  He already knows that if we would come together as one, there wouldn’t be anything we couldn’t do as a nation.  So far, he’s winning.

Ultimately, the choice has to be up to us.  God has given us instructions on how to live a full, purposed, meaningful life, but we have to learn that we have to do this God’s way, not our own.  Most take Christ and sprinkle Him on their life instead of eating the flesh and blood of the only one who can help us all. 

WE close our eyes to injustice thinking of “me and mine,” when this nation really is going to hell in a handbasket.  It is so out of control now that many, being overwhelmed, feel that their one voice won’t change anything, but I can tell you that I will die trying to make as much of this earth I can a better place when I’m gone.  Christ is the SAVIOR and He can help us.  As a matter of fact, He is the only one who can help me and you overcome feelings of prejudice but alas, you have to turn to Him (someone you can’t see) for help.  He is willing, are you? 

I want to leave you with this.  God is the only JUDGE we have.  Unless God ordains an individual to deliver HIS word, then we have to take our hate and concerns to Him and let HIM help deliver us and bring judgment. 

I have seen hate and bigotry destroy people.  We herald Abraham Lincoln as one of the greatest, honest Presidents we have ever had.  Will we let all of his fighting for rights for slaves go down the drain?  Will we allow Martin Luther King’s life to be in vain?  WE are a sorry lot of people when we start placing others in classes and judging them for their lot in life.  Woe be unto us. 

When you experience feelings of bigotry, no matter what it concerns, know that it is coming from the devil and you need to go to God and repent.  Love covers a multitude of sins….Love as you have been loved and give as you have been given to.

And one more thing…..if you dog and curse an individual while calling yourself a Christian, are you certain God is listening to your prayers?

It is not the color of a man that is evil; it is the spirit within him.

                                                                                       Molly

I want to talk about a five-letter word…  Pride.  There are many who believe that pride is arrogance but I have come to see that it is so much more.  Pride is disobedience in doing something that you KNOW is wrong.  Pride can be vengeful.  Pride can do no wrong.  Pride is always right no matter how much truth is placed before it.  Pride won’t listen and gets angry when the truth is presented.  Pride.  Whether you want to come to terms with this or not, pride destroys a man, a home, a nation and pride cost Satan his place in heaven because he believed he “was all that.”

Pride stems from lack of self-worth.  It is just plain “lack of” inside a person.  Remember that it is what is in a man’s heart that is hell-bent on destruction.  It is what comes out of a man that defiles him…I should know; I was full of pride and didn’t even know.  In my heart, I thought that I knew God but I didn’t.  I thought I was trying to make good decisions but I wasn’t.  I believed that I was a good person and somehow I could turn my mess of a life around by myself…  I was prideful and didn’t even know it and there are many out there who are like I use to be. 

Pride will tell you that you can do it alone and you don’t need a Savior.  Pride tells you that turning to Jesus Christ for help is silly and only for weak people.  Pride says, “I am a self-made man.”  Pride… what foolishness.

Pride has to be in control all of the time.  It is like an intoxicating drug that coats you with self-importance, telling you, “You know you are the only one who can_____.” (Fill in the blank for yourself.)  

There either comes a time when you admit you can’t function alone or you keep striving after what I call “the wind,” letting life just blow you around wherever it chooses and you never really grasp life.  The sad part is that you only get one life to live and then eternity faces you. 

I recall moving to North Carolina and it was made abundantly clear to me that I needed to go get a job.  I felt I had a call of God on my life but I didn’t really know the ways of God.  I thought by moving here and simply going to church and giving my testimony that this would cause all the doors to be opened and God would make a way for me but He didn’t.  So I was faced with having to work.  I ended up working at Food Lion. 

I would go to work and stand all day.  I was humiliated but my back was against the wall and I knew I had no choice.  I had no transportation and had to borrow a family member’s car to get to work.  I would take my fifteen-minute break in the car, go drag on a cig with a cup of coffee, and then head back in to finish my shift.  Some people whose nails I had done would come in and for them to see me working there thoroughly embarrassed me.  I thought I was better than this and wondered how I had gotten to this place in life.  I was standing at my checkout counter one day and it was as if the Holy Spirit himself punched me on the shoulder asking, “How do like working at Food Lion?” I sheepishly looked up to heaven and answered, “I don’t like it.”  Then He said, “You’ve always had a very blessed life with everything given to you, haven’t you?”  My reply was, “Yes.”  He continued, “And you have taken it all for granted, haven’t you?”  Then I knew…dumb me.  As I drove home that night to ice down my back from standing all day, I knew I was being called on the carpet by heaven due to my pride.

I had believed I was too good to work for Food Lion as a checkout clerk.  Then over the next several months, it was made abundantly clear that working there was good, honest work.  I learned that there are good, hard working people who are not, and never will be, CEO’S of companies, but it didn’t make them any less in God’s eyes.

I learned what it meant to hold my head up high and not be ashamed of what I did, no matter who saw me (and there always seemed to be someone standing in my line that I didn’t want to see me working there).  At least I was working, earning enough money to help support my basic needs.

I learned to treat others as I wanted to be treated.  The Lord was breaking my pride and I didn’t like it.  Then one day as I had finished ringing up a customer, I bent down and said, “Jesus, save me.”  The next person in line asked me if I was getting 40 hours a week and I said, “No.”  I ended up working for his mother after she hired me right on the spot.

While at Food Lion, I learned to work as if working directly for Jesus.  I did my best.  I wiped, straightened, smiled, and gave excellent customer service.  When I resigned, I gave a two-week notice.  My work ethic and honesty did not go unnoticed by my employer and I had an open invitation to come back again if I ever needed to.  The manager’s offer to me upon my resignation was a clear indication to me that God was pleased.  But, it wasn’t a prideful thing; it was a “job well done” kind of a feeling.  He has given me many more since then and I strive for those times that I know He is happy with my performance.

A lesson learned was that the pride of thinking I was too good to work at Food Lion could have led me down a path of destruction if pride had not been unveiled to me for what it really was. 

In conclusion, I have been broken purposefully by God for His purposes alone, all of which are yet to be revealed.  Know that no one is above working.  The Bible teaches that if a man doesn’t work, he won’t eat.  God will help you get a job if you are willing to work.  There is a basic in the kingdom: God helps those who help themselves.

I can tell you, being on this side of the tunnel, that thank God Jesus had enough compassion for me that He took the time to break me of my pride.  I am not better than anyone else is.  I needed Him then and still do so very much.  Knowing Him better now, I really wished I could have gone through the earlier days of my life walking with Him rather than fighting Him the way I did.  I will always have regret over that…until I go home. 

Do yourself a favor in this one life you get to have….turn to Jesus and let Him help you.  Many I am around suffer from such great pride but they wouldn’t admit to having any. However, they sure would tell you what they have materialistically, the awards they have received and how life is all about them. I know because at one time, I was that way too.  Thank God, however, I have changed.

Pride..is it telling you that you are too good for Jesus or that you don’t need Him?  Does pride tell you you don’t have to work hard?  What will you do when you HAVE to kneel before Him and tell Him to His face?

Molly