I want to talk to you about something I suffered with for years---anger and rage.  I tried to hide it the best I knew how.  I would push it deep down inside of me, but eventually I would blow up.  Those I loved the most, who happened to be in my path when these explosions happened, incurred the brunt of my ensuing wrath.  I was always blaming and pointing the finger at someone else.  The sources of my anger were demonic and genetic to be sure, but some of it came up and out of me as a reaction to not being able to get my way when I wanted it. 

During the years of my episodic anger and rage, no one could get through to me and I wasn’t around anyone who could explain to me why I had such volatility inside of me.  I truly believed others (anyone but me) caused me to behave the way I did.  I thought, “If they will just do what I want them to do,” then I will be happy and won’t have to yell and fuss so much.  But, the problem was that even when others would do what I wanted them to do, I still would find myself unhappy and then get very angry about it.

It did not matter how big the home was I lived in, how many pairs of shoes I bought, or how many pieces of nice jewelry I obtained, I still wasn’t happy.  The fury I felt would build up within me and eventually would reach such a boiling point that I would lash out at anyone in my path (even my daughter).  I was not “satisfied” until I had upset everyone around me and then afterward, great remorse would flow over me and I would hate myself for upsetting everyone else.  It was as if two different people lived inside of me…. 

I made a decision to check myself into the hospital for shock treatments.  The Psychiatrist I had been seeing for years had suggested this, I fought it as long as I could, but I was eventually able to see the writing on the wall and consented.  My feelings of caring what others might think and say were no longer a concern.  No matter how appealing the circumstances looked around me or how nice others were to me, I was a miserable individual who was unhappy and angry at life.  I couldn’t pretend any longer and I needed drastic help. 

I called on the person who had gotten me through one of the toughest times in my life.  He had assured me when I first had gone to him that I wasn’t going crazy, even though I thought I was losing my mind.  I had endured years of hell, taking medications in an attempt to find a cure for my anger filled life.  I was trying to find happiness.  I knew it was something attainable because I was around others in my life who were happy (my ex-husband for example), but I was losing the battle and I needed something more.  I had hit rock bottom or so I thought at the time.  

The last resort I felt I had in order to cure me of my miserable life was shock treatments.  It was during my stay in the hospital that I began my walk with the Lord.  Something changed with me after having treatments, making me want to help myself and I stopped blaming everyone else for my anger and unhappiness.  I started to look to God and myself for the answers, which was a new concept for me.  The anger in my life subsided greatly. 

When I went into the hospital, I thought I would have the treatments, the hell would be shocked out of me, and my life would finally match emotionally the life I had around me.  That is not what came to pass.  There is an old saying, “ don’t count your chickens before they hatch.”  I had always dreamed of the way I wanted my life to be and when it didn’t match up with what I wanted, I would get angry.  What shock treatments did for me was help me look at myself and I was able to lay hold of the truth of life.  Twenty years later my life still isn’t what I thought it was going to be but it is happy and I am not filled with anger, thanks to the Holy Spirit and the ways of God.  I had to learn another way of life and some of it was simple, some of it wasn’t. 

Emotionally, I am happy now inside and have true joy but it only came with great perseverance in searching and seeking after the one and true God.  I made sacrifices to have what I like to call “the more” of God.  I have no regrets with what it took to obtain “the more” and I am glad I never quit my pursuit of God.  He helped teach me His ways and I learned about the “me” I was created to be.  I learned not to buckle under the peer pressure of trying to be someone others thought I should be.  I had to learn to love myself and that has been a full time job. 

Hindsight is 20/20.  Looking back, I see that if I had not had those shock treatments, I would never have turned to God.  The greatest cumulative effect of my decision of seeking God was being taught by Christ how to love-not only myself, but others.  He literally delivered me from anger by emptying me and then filling me with great love, which removed all the anger and rage that use to fill me. It is truly a miracle. There are times when I really don't like things around me or the way others behave but I don't lash out anymore.  I just go to the only ONE who can give me divine guidance into why I am feeling the way I do.  I don't fuss at others or get mad.  Every once in a great while I will show my disappointment in regard to something but for the most part,(95%), I don't even feel that emotion any more and that is a very big deal for me. 

Anger and rage come from within….period.  When you point your finger at someone else, grab hold of it and point the finger at yourself.  Whether you like it or not, the reason for the situation you have found yourself in is not “their” fault, it is yours.  To be certain, you have an adversary, so be wise.  Sometimes Satan will orchestrate circumstances, getting you to lash out about things just to make you look like a fool.  Do not think you are above being used by him.   

If you don’t like the way your life circumstances are going, do not grumble about not being able to find help in these things.  You are just the one the Holy Spirit can help but you have to ask Him for help.  Don’t “poo poo” and brush off what I am saying to you.  If change is what you are looking for, do something about it.  YOU are the problem and others are not going to change to suit you.  You are the only one responsible for turning your life around so get up off it.

Molly