I penned the following in one of my first journals April 27, 1997, @ 4:15 a.m:
"I was thinking today about writing a book, My Testimony, Saved by Grace. When I think back on my life, the only explanation for my still being alive is Jesus. What a turbulent life I have had. I heard that sometimes lives like mine happen so I can be compassionate and help others since I have experienced it. Oh, how true. The list is endless. It's made me tuff. Too Tuff. Life is a long time. You cannot make it through without Christ."
Could you use a second chance at life? Do you think you have tried every resource known to man to get something different, new, and fresh, only to be left emptier than when you first started? If you answered yes, know that what I am about to tell you will not just be a temporary fix for your life. This writing, which will be in several parts, is devised to show you how to attain permanent and life-altering resolutions for your life; this is not a “quick fix” and it will not be without pain and effort on your part.
You might be thinking, “Come on, Molly, a new life?” Yes. When I had come to the end of my rope, feeling I had no other option, it was only then that I turned to God. Waiting as long as I did to turn to God was one of the biggest, if not the biggest mistake, I have ever made. So, yes, I don’t care if you are a drunk. I don’t care if you are a drug addict. I really don’t care how much of a mess your life is in right now; there is something better, but you have to want something different and then you have to do what it takes to make that difference happen in your life. You have to want to see this through. This undertaking is not for the faint of heart. You have to be willing to be in this for the long haul.
If you are one who utters the phrase, “same ole, same ole” when asked how your life is going, then this is what will help change all of that. At least it will give you a different viewpoint on how to approach the defeat you are experiencing. If you feel I have touched a nerve within you, get yourself settled, open up your mind, and listen to what I have to say. One constant that I want you to keep in mind is that a new life is attainable but depending on how much you fight against this new way will depend on how much of a new life you actually receive. But, it is there and I am going to help to try to guide you out of the darkness into this new light of life. I am going to try to reach forth my hand and pull you up out of the drowning water.
For me, the beginning of each New Year always carried with it the feeling that I had a clean slate and could try in the upcoming year to have something newer and better. I always had the sense of hope that my life could be all I ever wanted but without having the power to realize that dream, by March, I was back to my old habits, my old patterns and nothing became new. You don’t have to wait to sing “Auld Lang Syne” on New Year’s Eve, hoping your life will be more; you can begin a new transformation right now…this very second. Moreover, I want to be clear about this: your past, if not put to rest supernaturally, will always come back to haunt you, causing regret, remorse and you will have the feeling of constantly being defeated, which in turn, can cripple you with a sense of lack of self-worth and self-esteem. Your past will have to be dealt with by yourself and divine intervention from heaven to be put to rest within your heart, and know this: God is the only one who can change your future.
Do you have a willing heart? Fresh starts begin with the willingness to want something different from what you have at this very moment, even as you are reading this. You need to want a better way of living. I am not only talking about materialistically, but in your attaining a better way of life emotionally and spiritually as well. You know, achieving stability in your very state of existence is worth everything. Believe it or not (and it will be hard for some of you to entertain this statement), peace of mind and soul are worth more than silver or gold. I am not knocking money but money without the joy is just a pile of money. Yes, God does know that we need money. As long as my inner self is settled (it used to be full of hell) and in check, I can do anything. You cannot put a price tag on peace of mind, on the peace you can have in your heart, and you certainly cannot buy it. Most say, “If I just had money...” Well, you know the old saying, “Hindsight is twenty-twenty”? I look back over my history and see that even if I had been given all of the money in the world, I still wouldn’t have been happy. A pile of money is a temporary fix and won’t fix a messed up heart or mind that rages with anger or temper. Money can’t deliver you from vices that include such things as drugs, addiction to porn or generational curses…..but the Holy Spirit can.
What I wanted was a stable life without the highs of being extremely happy or the lows of the deep darkness that seemed to be a way of life for me. I learned to live the “I’ll be happy when” life. When I would get something I just had to have or when I would conquer a love interest, the thrill of it would dissipate (quickly), I would go right back into the same state of depression, wondering why I couldn’t be happy. Only, and I mean ONLY, when I surrendered my heart to Jesus, did I truly gain the life I had looked upon so longingly from a distance. I stared at others through a plate glass window and I tried everything in my power to have what I thought they had.
I am not trying to beat you over the head with Jesus today. I have done most things some only think about doing but was still left cold, wanting and neighing for more. I was discontented with myself, all the while thinking, “If I just had this or that,” I would be happy. I was looking for anything that would fill this emptiness inside my soul but I was never satisfied. I came to hate my life down to the very core of my being because I hated me. That is just what Satan wanted and the people I loved the most suffered because of it. I didn’t know what to do to make my life better. I tried any new thing just to get some kind of relief, but unbeknownst to me, the answer was staring me in the face all my life. You know the saying, “You can’t see the forest for the trees”? Well, that was I.
I want to share the tangible things I have learned over the years so that you can take them, learn from them, and use them to help yourself. I want to help you make a conscience change for your life. I want you to know that having a new life is possible but it will take effort on your part. God is not going to zap you and just make it all better….that is not His way. You will not be able to name and claim this new state of being. He will come along and give you wisdom and instruction (if you will listen) and He will love you as no one ever has. What I did find was someone who loved me for me and not just for how I looked, what I did for a career, or for what I had in the bank. Did that mean He didn’t want me to take care of myself? NO. Did that mean He wanted me to be broke and in a state where I couldn’t help myself, much less anyone else? NO, but I had to be literally broken so He could put me back together His way, and I don’t want that to have to happen to you.
My main goal in this first section is to tell you that you have to decide you want something better. Most have no idea that God has preordained (yes, preordained) a life for them, but they never get what He has for them in their life due to lacking knowledge of HIM. He has designed a path just for you. You don’t have to let life just happen to you. You will have to take control of the reins and activate this new life. God won’t make you.
You need to start at the beginning. You have to decide that you are not going to run from yourself any longer. For once, tell yourself that you are going to face your life and everything in it. Find a quiet place to sit alone and get honest with yourself. Go back over your life, starting from the earliest memories you can recall and face head-on what has taken place. If you think you have already done that, then do it again and this time, ask God to reveal (before you begin) anything that needs to either be remembered or gone over again. If you need to talk out loud to Him as you recount this, then do that. I always did that and it helped me come to terms with life circumstances that I wasn’t able to cope with. I was listening to what I had been through and it helped me face myself. I was brutally honest about me for the first time in my life. I tried looking at my life through different eyes and I was objectively doing this, so I could really “see” what the problem was. I wanted to be all God wanted of me. Somehow, I knew I was wasting my life and the time I had here and I wanted to yell, “Stop the merry-go-round, and let me off," but I kept going around the same mountain over and over.
By talking out loud to God, one particular evening I was able to see I didn’t know everything, and that was a major revelation for me. I needed a Father’s love, help, and care to overcome the hell I felt I was living in. I felt that if He really was real and did in fact create me, then He would know what to do. I didn’t want to live the way I had been living any longer. Finally coming to terms with this and realizing I would stay in this mess if something didn’t change I was willing to try something different.
Go and sit before God and tell Him that you are willing to try Him. Tell Him you will give Him a chance. Put a timeframe on this. I put a thirty-day limit on actually going after Him. I never did anything consistently so this was like a mountain before me, but I was willing to climb it to get something different. If you are in a horrible mess at the moment, then tell Him about it all and then get up, shut up, and start listening for Him to give you the way to go. Make the choice and decision to talk specifically to God every day, not just occasionally when you are in a bind and need Him to get you out of some mess you have found yourself in. I would set a clock for myself for fifteen minutes (and that was a lifetime to me) and devoted it especially to God. He promises in His Word, “You will hear a voice behind you saying go to the right or to the left.” If you have been raised on religion as I was, then you will have to trust that He has heard your cries for help. Believe me when I tell you that He will honor your effort.
Additionally, start writing down what you talk to Him about. I had to so I could remember what I told Him. I was so full of issues that needed to be addressed that I wouldn’t have been able to remember everything I told Him that was spilling forth. Also, in this way I was able to see when He moved in situations and how He moved so I would know He really did hear me. Journaling (as it later came to be known) really helped me. God doesn’t need fancy; He just needs your willing heart.
In conclusion, if you want something different, stop running from God and run to the cross. Whether or not you want to believe it, Satan is real and he is going to try and stop you, but God is bigger than any deterrent Satan can use to try and stop you from getting there. Again, He requires that YOU come to Him. He is waiting for you to decide. I can tell He won’t make you and without your participation, your life is not going to be all it can be. I finally came to terms with the fact that I only was going to live on earth once and that I wanted everything God had for me while I was here. I was not going to let my life be anything less any longer.
To Recap: The bottom line is this. If you keep doing what you are doing expecting different results then you will be defeated. I have placed a choice before you this day but you will have to be the one who sets sail to this new life.