Preparations

I feel unneeded.  I feel lost.   I feel confused.  I have to have a purpose.

As I have gotten older, I have begun to feel unneeded.  It is something very important to me.  I need to be needed.  At one point in my life, I was the mom that was needed for car rides to and from activities.  I was also a mom that was needed to help with homework.  I was a mom who washed dirty faces and dried teary eyes. I was a mom who took her daughter for a milkshake every time that a boy, that she cared about, hurt her feelings. I was a mom who read the bedtime stories and tucked my children into bed.  Now, I am just a mom. 

As I have gotten older, I feel lost.  I don't remember like I used to.  I can't hear as well as when I was younger.  I can't move as fast anymore.  I lose my way easier. 

As I have gotten older, I feel confused.  I don't know what to do at times.  I was so sure of myself and knew what to do when problems arose.  I didn't have to talk to myself and write things down.   I was on top of things. 

Four months ago when I lost a dear friend and my children moved away, God taught me something.  He taught me that I need to live one day at a time.  Don't over analyze things that have not happened yet.  Breathe deep.  Slow down.  Live this day to the fullest.  I believe that he helped me through that pain four months ago by putting up a barrior of some kind so that the blow, even though it was deep, didn't scare me.  Didn't make me angry.  He gave me the motivation to move on.  It is so easy to give advice to someone when they are hurting.  It is so easy to say, "There is a reason for everything." 

I found out a week ago that I have breast cancer.  Just those words unnerve me.  I feel emotionally fragile right now.  So my "one day at a time" teaching has become beneficial.  They always say that God knows everything.  He is our maker.  He knows the beginning to the end.  HE wrote the story for goodness sake.  So he knew that I needed to learn this four months ago.  How could I have known that I was preparing for this? 

So now instead of being needed, I am in need.  It is funny how things can be reversed in a split second.  I feel lost but in yet, found because God is preparing me for this journey.  I still feel a bit confused but like he has taught me, it is one day at a time and he is in the driver's seat.  For someone that was always in control of every situation, I am feeling a lot of grace and mercy right now. 

He has reminded me lately of what I used to be and what I am now.  Sometimes rewalking your life through his eyes is very humbling.  I can look at people that I meet, without judging, and see my old self.  I was so overbearing, so loud and so in control over everything.  I made everyone unhappy including myself.  I am so opposite of that right now.  He has brought me this far.  There is no turning back. 

God has always been good to me.  He will see me through this and every other challenge that may come my way.  Like I told my father yesterday, if you don't have faith, you have nothing at all.  The world can mess with your emotions.  It can make such small things seem so large.  But I promise you one thing, God is larger than it all.  He is the Alpha and the Omega. The beginning and the end.  As the song goes, "God can do anything but fail."  God Bless you all. 

Susan